I feel sorry for myself`

Things been bugging me lately.
I just got back from a short visit to hometown as mom is currently sick until now. I might say she's getting better but still not in a very good condition. Since i got home i discovered family problems are real, they're really out there without me noticing and thats pretty terrible. My mind been floating away like clouds hanging in the sky. I feel like i'm starting to questioning everything lately and i aint got answers, a clear one. Let's start from the very beginning, short things out.

I don't know what the world is gonna be when mom is not there anymore?
I don't know how to react to such thing as i always end up crying in my sleep.
Why is everyone back home still doing the same shit since i left, there are a lot more to discover out there buddy. I just realised that no one is really capable of travelling far but if you're willing to, there will be a way eventually.
I know my parents are struggling to pay my school fees but i aint capable YET to pay them. The fact that i know they're doing their best to pay my school fees just simply break my heart. I really want to be independent but you know, to pay my own rent, i need to struggle the shit out of me too. I don't blame them for that cause this is the risk, i know, i know.
May I question where is my God, cause i barely see Him lately, i'm sad, i feel terrible. I want to feel that You're actually there watching me but i see the sky is empty.
Am i a bad person?
I do bad things lately, not really bad, might be just a curious side of me trying to break the wall. I'am not agree to the concept where to be a good person, you need to avoid the bad things. No. Do the bad things so you know how good it is to be a good person. Even if i tried bad things doesn't mean that I'm bad right? But people, they judge. It's just somehow, to be who i'm now i have to sacrifice a lot of things. Like things that i believed before, what my parents told me. To be honest, i'm not the person you used to know, you might realise later.
Why am i like this? Why am i feeling lost? Why am i feeling like I've been floating away for a long time nobody notices me anymore?
I start to hate this place again. I begin to love and hate it at the same time.
You know when you thought your life is perfect, it means nothing. Cause you don't know it might end soon, all the excitements, love that you think you deserve.

Talk about love. I don't think that i'm really in love but when you're always have this person on your mind, causing you nausea every time you hear the name. What you think it might be? Love?
I thought i was okay, but in fact i'm not. You know what, since that day we met, i know, i know, i cant be fooled this time by just only a guy like you, but i did.
You know, you're perfect. You're all round good guy that everyone might fall off and i did too (maybe like everyone else who's secretly in love with you). Everyone said that you're just fine, so fine. Let say, you're my dream guy. The only thing that different probably just only our believes. I know i'll be so into you, i just can't help it. You gave me this hope that you're gonna be with me eventually, cause we are just perfect together. Unfortunately, i lost track of what you're interested in. I had a hard time, big time, just to know what you're really want, what you're really into, and all the things that matter. Everytime i began a serious conversation you seemed bore, or not interested. You're busy with your mind you forgot that i'm actually standing there in front of you, can't stop admiring how gorgeous you really are, how perfect you are in my eyes. But you know what? i'm tired of being in a circle of doubts. So i tried my best to give you a surprise on your 23rd birthday, when i said my best, i'm serious. You have no idea how much money i spent to do all the shits for your birthday, no, i don't wanna brag about the money stuff but i wasn't that rich either. You have no idea how i panicked that i would ruin everything cause the surprise stuff was just a really bad and childish idea. You have no idea how i walked that night from downtown around 1am just to get in front of your apartment on time and give you the best balloons i could get.
Maybe it was just me, i was too much.
So here it goes, the reality met the expectation. I should've known that you won't be impressed but you know what i kept going. Cause in my head there is no harm of trying.
I was really devastated that i know i failed but i tried anyway. From that point of madness i know that you slapped me. I know that a person can't really fake the feeling. I know.
It hasn't over just yet. I've been trying to tell my self that you're not into me anymore, i resist. I don't know, maybe i'm just simply crazy.
Since i left the country you're not even trying to contact me, i keep saying that maybe you're busy. No you're not cause i know you always get plenty of time just to play your records and smoke your cigs.
Anyway just cut it out. Leave all the details here.
The thing is i haven't told you what i really feel. I know that you're not into me anymore it hurts. However, the second time i bump into you (i hope soon) I'm just gonna let it out. How beautiful you are you hurt me. I just wish at least you notice me, for a bit. Yet you give me that signal--let's keep it straight, we're end up here--so obviously.
And the love that i feel in this place is gone again this time, in a harsh way.
Fuck this is just a long essay, i wish i could be this good when i did all of my essays back in college.
I miss my bestfriend too, I'm afraid she's gonna forget me. Silly me.
I'm just afraid of so many things right now, i wanna survive.

I wanna make a peace with my mind but i just can't.
I hate the fact that i keep doing this to myself.
I need to short things out.
Where are You?

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous29.1.14

    dear nadine, I know I'm completely a stranger to you but I want you to know that I'm here, you're not alone, I read your despair you wrote in your blog. Please please please hang on for a few more months, you're halfway through your college right? If it really feels too heavy you can always take one or two semester break. I'm sincerely hoping your mom is all well right now and things get better each day for you. Loneliness is a very scary thing but do remember even the longest day have only 24 hours.

    I know you're going to make it. Tell yourself you're stronger than you think you are. I owe you a hug if we ever meet. You're not alone. You're going to reach the finish line of your sadness, soon.

    Cheer up! :)