It's getting harder from time to time that i don't feel happy with what i'm currently doing right now. Irony isn't it? I mean i believe some people must be wanting the life that i have right now. I feel like i've been fighting things that i really want just to end up knowing that i don't really want those things anymore.
“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.” - Sylvia Plath
Probably right. Maybe i just simply don't want anything. Or worst i just don't know how to count my blessings. I-just-do-not-know. Am i crazy? It's my thoughts that been messed like scrambled egg. How to escape from my own thoughts? I'm stuck in the labyrinth. I tried to love what i do, i tried to love my school, i tried to love my new place, i tried to love my new friends, i TRIED. But things never seem right for me. Even i look at myself everyday, i don't feel right. I can feel that self-consciousness hits me every time i see that person in the mirror. That person unfortunately--is me, myself. Apart from that--
There is something that really hit me hard, thing that i would never think will happen to me. I lost my passion at thing that i really wanna do. I'm upset that i admit this but i do. And why i couldn't really talk to anybody about this? Well maybe i'm ashamed with myself, to the fact that i'm fucked (inhale-exhale).
By the time i feel insecure about everything in my life, all of my best people are out there, watching me from far away hoping that i'm doing good.
(long pause while i'm crying typing all these rants about myself)
I really wanna run away from everything, from my life. Besides all those dark thoughts, I feel burden when i see people compete each other who's having 'happier' life by posting pictures and videos across the internet. I'm sick of people doing this, i feel like the essence of happiness is no longer there, it is no longer in heart but appearances. Well am trying myself do that by having such an instagram account--for example--yet i feel sick more than ever when i'm trying to do so. All those posts i made, just regular posts i sometimes feel sick of. Somehow i don't understand myself why i'm still doing it. Since it has the trigger to un-happiness for me, i've been trying to keep myself far from my phone and also, internet. I know it's not an easy task to do but i think that necessary to back to the nature.
Writing is almost like therapy for me, finally after those rants i feel all better now. All i wanna do right now is just get back to my nap and dream about brownies.